Tuesday, November 3, 2009
O devastated one
I've been reading through Jeremiah (slowly, unfortunately). The last post I made was regarding repentance. God speaking to Jeremiah talks directly about this subject and upon my reading today, I was hit in the head with one of the biggest struggles I'm presently wrestling. The passage is this:
What are you doing, O devastated one?
Why dress yourself in scarlet
and put on jewels of gold?
Why shade your eyes with paint?
and adorn yourself in vain,
Your lovers despise you;
they seek your life.
Jeremiah 4:30
Now, to any of you reading, you may or may not know about my history. The subject here is a universal one, so I'll skip details. My assumption is that you might find something to use while filling the gaps of what I think this passage is about.
I read this passage and was stopped in my tracks. The past couple of weeks have been challenging for me. I am faced with the comparison of who I was and who I am in Christ. I was recently reminded by a friend that the gospel tells us that:
...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus
Romans 8:1
Meaning if I truly were putting ALL of my faith in Jesus, I wouldn't have to worry about what my past looks like because Jesus has already redeemed me from those sins. I find that this is an interesting topic when paired with the idea I wrote about before: that sin makes you realize the depravity of your own character, which in turn points you to the only thing that can save you from yourself. That, of course, being Jesus. This is the other shoe dropping... once you realize that you are a sinner (that you have sinned, are sinning, and will sin) and repent with your heart in the right place, there is no more condemnation.
This is where I struggle. I am haunted by ghosts of my past. Actions, lifestyles, choices, etc. God is the only one to get credit for picking me up and carrying me away to a safe place. Still, my stomach churns when I think of who I am and what I am capable of when I'm not walking for truth. My "lovers" (as put in the Jeremiah passage above) aren't the vices I indulged in prior to handing my life to God... Rather, they are the memories. The ghosts. They do in fact despise me and seek my life. They succeed in overpowering my life when I am deep in regret. At those moments I feel worthless... unclean and unlovable. In turn, my prayer is affected. I don't spend time with the Lord out of shame. I hide like Adam and Eve hid in the garden after they realized they were naked. I dress myself in leaves of shame and hide behind my past.
What are you doing, O devastated one?
My past. The very thing I hate and that makes my insides turn in knots is my idol. It is where I pour my energy when I should be reserving it for good. And how selfish of me! If I assume that my sins are too big for God to sanctify... I am assuming that my earthly power overrides the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE! It seems so logical to let it go, but it will require prayer and time. I know God will mold my heart and shower me in purity.
So I ask... what are your idols? When you "dress yourself in scarlet and put on jewels of gold" what are you wearing?
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3 comments:
Beautiful, sweetheart! If my foward was a good as your past, I'd be on cloud nine! I am very proud of you, and I love you.
Dad
Hmmm... it's interesting how hard it can sometimes be to really examine yourself and come up with answers to questions like, what are your idols? We kind of talked about this in group a few weeks ago, but even then, it is so easy to think about idols in an abstract way that we tend to tiptoe around the heart of that matter rather than dive right into it. Though you clearly have pain to deal with when facing your past at least you have identified your idol and because of that you are able to deal with it. Personally, I feel like my idol changes daily. Some days it's Anthony. Sometimes I do feel like if I lost Anthony I myself would be completely lost. Some days it's money. Sometimes vanity, acceptance, control. You name it, I struggle with it. Sometimes, like you, I think of my past and how completely undeserving I am of Christ's love. It brings me to tears when I think about how I was living my life for me and only me, even after I knew God. I know I broke His heart, yet He never left my side. He never gave up on me, and He never stopped loving me. I think sometimes you just have to stop and let the entirety of God's incredible love wash over you. Let yourself be reminded that no matter how unworthy we feel we are, God thinks we are worthy, and he loves and adores us, and really, nothing else matters.
I really like the end of what Andrea said.
God does indeed love unconditionally.
Those idols are the old man named devil @ work! God's love is FAR too powerful for that old man to do much at all...especially if we refuse to help him.
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