Oh How He Loves...

Revelation 2:2-5

2 "'I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false. 3 I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary. 4 But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first. 5 Remember therefore from where you have fallen; repent, and do what you did at first.

    I'm doing a study that directed readers to this passage. The subsequent questions ask for you to think back to a time in your life when you were caught in the fresh thrill of knowing and loving God. It asks what it looked like and how you could get back to that "thrill."

    I have a special circumstance, so this is my answer: (This is the post that talks about the retreat)

    I am fortunate to be studying this book now. For weeks I had been struggling with regret and bitterness. I really thought nothing could take it away until I came to a point where I could simply "let it go" and move on. I even started slipping into ruts where I was reliving low points of life. I have dealt with depression before, but didn't realize how functional I could be in rationalizing depression into something I could take in daily doses.

    I went on retreat this past weekend. The speaker taught something so SIMPLE: God's steadfast and unyielding love. I started my journey nearly a year ago. I will say that this past weekend I felt, for the first time, the comfort of His embrace. I can't stress that these words enough...

I felt Him. I heard Him speak to my heart. (Dare I say it?) I saw His glory with my own eyes.

    How amazing. I am IN the moment Jesus was talking about in Rev. 2... "the love you had a first." This is the starting point to the rest of my journey. I hope the Spirit will help me keep a firm grasp on the understanding I have NOW that God loves me like no one else can or ever could. What purity! Especially when reflected upon with the nature of my bitterness (failed attempts to find worth). I love that God knew exactly how to pry into the wall I had built up. What makes this all more amazing is that I know if I were to ever backslide and loose the feeling I have now, all I need to do is come out of hiding and He'll be waiting for me with His hand outstretched ready to pick me up no matter how far I think I've gone. That is love.

    

Amazing weekend...

I'm in the middle of cooking dinner, but I wanted to share here that I came home from retreat this morning feeling charged and encouraged. I say this in a sort of response to my last post... there will be a subsequent post to explain some details, but for now I want to give glory to God for moving mountains in my heart.

Penelope

O devastated one

    I've been reading through Jeremiah (slowly, unfortunately). The last post I made was regarding repentance. God speaking to Jeremiah talks directly about this subject and upon my reading today, I was hit in the head with one of the biggest struggles I'm presently wrestling. The passage is this:

What are you doing, O devastated one?
    Why dress yourself in scarlet
    and put on jewels of gold?
Why shade your eyes with paint?
    and adorn yourself in vain,
Your lovers despise you;
    they seek your life.
            Jeremiah 4:30


    Now, to any of you reading, you may or may not know about my history. The subject here is a universal one, so I'll skip details. My assumption is that you might find something to use while filling the gaps of what I think this passage is about.


    I read this passage and was stopped in my tracks. The past couple of weeks have been challenging for me. I am faced with the comparison of who I was and who I am in Christ. I was recently reminded by a friend that the gospel tells us that:


...there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus 
                                Romans 8:1


    Meaning if I truly were putting ALL of my faith in Jesus, I wouldn't have to worry about what my past looks like because Jesus has already redeemed me from those sins. I find that this is an interesting topic when paired with the idea I wrote about before: that sin makes you realize the depravity of your own character, which in turn points you to the only thing that can save you from yourself. That, of course, being Jesus. This is the other shoe dropping... once you realize that you are a sinner (that you have sinned, are sinning, and will sin) and repent with your heart in the right place, there is no more condemnation.



    This is where I struggle. I am haunted by ghosts of my past. Actions, lifestyles, choices, etc. God is the only one to get credit for picking me up and carrying me away to a safe place. Still, my stomach churns when I think of who I am and what I am capable of when I'm not walking for truth. My "lovers" (as put in the Jeremiah passage above) aren't the vices I indulged in prior to handing my life to God... Rather, they are the memories. The ghosts. They do in fact despise me and seek my life. They succeed in overpowering my life when I am deep in regret. At those moments I feel worthless... unclean and unlovable. In turn, my prayer is affected. I don't spend time with the Lord out of shame. I hide like Adam and Eve hid in the garden after they realized they were naked. I dress myself in leaves of shame and hide behind my past.



What are you doing, O devastated one?



    My past. The very thing I hate and that makes my insides turn in knots is my idol. It is where I pour my energy when I should be reserving it for good. And how selfish of me! If I assume that my sins are too big for God to sanctify... I am assuming that my earthly power overrides the CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE! It seems so logical to let it go, but it will require prayer and time. I know God will mold my heart and shower me in purity.



    So I ask... what are your idols? When you "dress yourself in scarlet and put on jewels of gold" what are you wearing?

Stop feeling sorry for yourself

    My small group is five weeks into an in-depth look at practical usage of the gospel. This week we are focusing on repentance. Jesus' first command in the Gospel of Mark is to "Repent and believe in the gospel" (Mark 1:15) If you're anything like me, repentance and penance were synonymous before looking to see what God had to say about it.
    The cycle goes a little something like this: try, try, try, try, DAMMIT. Ask yourself "What can I do to make it better?" Try harder, try, try, try, DAMMIT. Resolve... again.
Try harder, try, try, try, DAMMIT! Resolve....

    And so it goes until you either A) Find a reasonable excuse or scapegoat to blame until you're confronted again, or B) decide your sin is just a part of you and convince yourself you shouldn't have to try any longer to change something you clearly can't. Don't think this applies to you? Have you ever said to someone or thought, "Sorry, babe. Take it or leave it." Ya. That's what that looks like.
    The problem of the cycle above isn't the "dammit." We all sin, period. The problem is the resolve. As the literature of my small group's study puts it, "...look for patterns of remorse and resolution in [your] dealings with sin... Behind this way of living are two great misunderstandings about our hearts. First, we think too highly of ourselves. ("I can't believe I would do that! That's not what I'm really like.") We do not truly believe the depth of out sin and brokenness... Second, we think we have the power to change ourselves."
    Uh, so...... what can you do? This is sort of the punch line to the whole idea. Ready?
    YOU can't do a thing. You're stuck. A loser worth less than the dust we walk on. Know what you deserve??? Punishment. Like getting Chinese water torture, eating worms, getting skinned alive and dipped in boiling oil (thank you, Grandma), or being (wait for it.......................) crucified.


Enter: Jesus


    That's what it means when you hear that Jesus died for your sins. He received the brunt of God's punishment for the sins I/you/we/he/she have committed, are committing, and will commit. Understanding that for the first time makes you rethink a lot of things. One of them is repentance. Again quoting from my small group literature, "True gospel repentance moves us to realize and repent. Realize: I did do that. That IS what I'm really like! Repent: Lord forgive me! You are my only hope."
    It takes a long time and a lot of talking with God for this line of thinking to come naturally. I'm not even close to being there. See, I know what I looked like when Christ wasn't in my life. I was disgusting, deplorable. (I still need a good lesson on how God redeems shame.) Yet in spite of seeing where I've been, I still have the tendency to think that now that I have Christ, I am free of the old me and the sins I commit now are less damaging than the ones I committed then. Sure, they might not be as striking, but the Sermon on the Mount is clear that no matter what degree your sin- it's a sin nonetheless and one powerful enough to keep you out of the Kingdom. As a result of these "lesser sins," I am reluctant to truly repent and seek God's mercy. I need to be repenting that I don't see the need to repent constantly. Realizing our depravity only allows us to be completely humbled before and reverent of the sovereign God of the universe: such is the essence of the gospel. I pray that time and time again God will reveal the profound effects of living life according to His truth.
   

Found along the way

    In an attempt to document my spiritual journey, I have decided to blog my findings and any other occurrences that will attest to God's grace. I do this for several reasons, but there are two that take precedence. First, I am a sinner. I am in constant need of the lessons offered by the gospel. Furthermore, I have a short attention span and anything to help keep me disciplined, grounded and accountable is much appreciated. Second, there are some people dear to my heart who will hopefully be able to use this as a starting point for their own walk with Christ.
    One thing I hope not to communicate at any point is that I have the answers. As I said, I am a sinner. By virtue of that fact, my human heart would taint any perfect knowledge I could possibly claim anyway. Consequently, it is up to God to draw you near to Him, not me. Discern for yourself what I discuss here... wrestle with God and see what you can learn from it.