Stop feeling sorry for yourself

    My small group is five weeks into an in-depth look at practical usage of the gospel. This week we are focusing on repentance. Jesus' first command in the Gospel of Mark is to "Repent and believe in the gospel" (Mark 1:15) If you're anything like me, repentance and penance were synonymous before looking to see what God had to say about it.
    The cycle goes a little something like this: try, try, try, try, DAMMIT. Ask yourself "What can I do to make it better?" Try harder, try, try, try, DAMMIT. Resolve... again.
Try harder, try, try, try, DAMMIT! Resolve....

    And so it goes until you either A) Find a reasonable excuse or scapegoat to blame until you're confronted again, or B) decide your sin is just a part of you and convince yourself you shouldn't have to try any longer to change something you clearly can't. Don't think this applies to you? Have you ever said to someone or thought, "Sorry, babe. Take it or leave it." Ya. That's what that looks like.
    The problem of the cycle above isn't the "dammit." We all sin, period. The problem is the resolve. As the literature of my small group's study puts it, "...look for patterns of remorse and resolution in [your] dealings with sin... Behind this way of living are two great misunderstandings about our hearts. First, we think too highly of ourselves. ("I can't believe I would do that! That's not what I'm really like.") We do not truly believe the depth of out sin and brokenness... Second, we think we have the power to change ourselves."
    Uh, so...... what can you do? This is sort of the punch line to the whole idea. Ready?
    YOU can't do a thing. You're stuck. A loser worth less than the dust we walk on. Know what you deserve??? Punishment. Like getting Chinese water torture, eating worms, getting skinned alive and dipped in boiling oil (thank you, Grandma), or being (wait for it.......................) crucified.


Enter: Jesus


    That's what it means when you hear that Jesus died for your sins. He received the brunt of God's punishment for the sins I/you/we/he/she have committed, are committing, and will commit. Understanding that for the first time makes you rethink a lot of things. One of them is repentance. Again quoting from my small group literature, "True gospel repentance moves us to realize and repent. Realize: I did do that. That IS what I'm really like! Repent: Lord forgive me! You are my only hope."
    It takes a long time and a lot of talking with God for this line of thinking to come naturally. I'm not even close to being there. See, I know what I looked like when Christ wasn't in my life. I was disgusting, deplorable. (I still need a good lesson on how God redeems shame.) Yet in spite of seeing where I've been, I still have the tendency to think that now that I have Christ, I am free of the old me and the sins I commit now are less damaging than the ones I committed then. Sure, they might not be as striking, but the Sermon on the Mount is clear that no matter what degree your sin- it's a sin nonetheless and one powerful enough to keep you out of the Kingdom. As a result of these "lesser sins," I am reluctant to truly repent and seek God's mercy. I need to be repenting that I don't see the need to repent constantly. Realizing our depravity only allows us to be completely humbled before and reverent of the sovereign God of the universe: such is the essence of the gospel. I pray that time and time again God will reveal the profound effects of living life according to His truth.
   

Found along the way

    In an attempt to document my spiritual journey, I have decided to blog my findings and any other occurrences that will attest to God's grace. I do this for several reasons, but there are two that take precedence. First, I am a sinner. I am in constant need of the lessons offered by the gospel. Furthermore, I have a short attention span and anything to help keep me disciplined, grounded and accountable is much appreciated. Second, there are some people dear to my heart who will hopefully be able to use this as a starting point for their own walk with Christ.
    One thing I hope not to communicate at any point is that I have the answers. As I said, I am a sinner. By virtue of that fact, my human heart would taint any perfect knowledge I could possibly claim anyway. Consequently, it is up to God to draw you near to Him, not me. Discern for yourself what I discuss here... wrestle with God and see what you can learn from it.